I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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