Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My vagina is officially offended.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
