Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I just found puke in my bra..
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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