why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
