My hand turned me down
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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