the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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