Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
