I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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