Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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