Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
