I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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