There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
