I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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