So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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