we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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