As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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