I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
