My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My legs feel like baby dolphins
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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