I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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