this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
