I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
