I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
