I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
