i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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