I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
