the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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