No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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