Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
