we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
