I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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