My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
