I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Someone signed my nipple.
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