she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
