Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
and she was petting her beer can
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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