Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
