I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
