i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize