i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
God, I missed his penis.
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