Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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