Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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