if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize