Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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