Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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