maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
