Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
