I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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