This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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