Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
