i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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