Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
