either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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