The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You made out with two different species that night
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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