Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
