I faked an abortion last night.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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